I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
