I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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