I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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