I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
