I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Just puked most of my soul out..
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