my sisters under your porch take her home
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
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