I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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