If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
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