You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
