i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
