i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
