ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester
Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
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