apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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