Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
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