i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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