I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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