OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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