Have you finally orgasmed yet?
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
