stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize
