I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
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