I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
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