Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
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