The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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