I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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