saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
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