I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize