Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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