dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
