so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
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