I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
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