Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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