I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
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