She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
