So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
