I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
