your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Randomize
