A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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