I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Randomize
