She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
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