Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize