she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
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