just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
i now understand why vodka
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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