I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
