I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
