Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I wish you could order shots online.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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