So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
My liver just had a heart attack.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Randomize
