end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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