My nipple is on Facebook.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
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