it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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