Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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