True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
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