Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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