dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Randomize
