I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Randomize
