I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Randomize
