I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
