why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
