I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
