Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
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