I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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