It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
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