Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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